Amani wins the writing contest for March with this entry:
Title: The Totally Legitimate Complete Guide to Surviving a Zombie Apocalypse
Word Count: 1425
Summary: A guide to surviving a zomie-ridden world.
Hello there! Have you found yourself in a situation in which you are being viciously murdered by zombies who seemed to appear out of thin air without any explanation as to why they exist and how they got here? Are you currently running away or hiding from a murderous, flesh eating zombie? Are you silently cursing Hollywood for lying to you about the speed of zombies? Or maybe you'd just like to be prepared in case of a sudden zombie attack? Well, have no fear! With this totally legitimate guide on how to survive these types of situations, you'll be sure to see another post-apocalyptic day!
Chapter One: Your Zombie
Knowing your zombie all the more will help you in defeating them later on in the long run! In this first chapter, we will discuss the two different types of zombies. By knowing their strengths and weaknesses, you'll be able to use that knowledge against them! Unless you're an idiot. Or the zombie somehow has an IQ of 200+. Then you're screwed. But if not, then read on while you still aren't dead!
Zombie A: The Surprisingly Fast How-Dare-You-Lie-To-Me-Hollywood Zombie aka Fresco
Fresco is the type of zombie where, were you the guy who ate one too many cookies at your best buddy Chris's fetish party, you'd be dead before you managed to lift your poor leg. Fresco is the fast, usually quicker than humans, zombie who has so much stamina that he could chase you for hours without feeling the need to rest, pee, or masturbate. However, this is met by a small yet very deadly weakness: stupidity.
While stupidity may seem like something inconsequential when you're as fast as a car, it can hinder you greatly if you're opponent is smart. Hell, even getting straight F's on your report card counts as smart compared to these zombies!
So, dear victim, if you are being outrun by Fresco, simply outsmart him!
How do you do that, you might ask?
Well, if you need specifics, you just might be the sole person who's dumber than a Fresco. But, nevertheless, since we need to fill these pages, we shall give you a few scenarios, and hopefully you'll be able to create your own amazing plan by ripping off of ours!
Assuming that you are near a city and not somewhere deserted, like Pittsburg, you are surrounded by either a) buildings, or b) some sort of park. These surroundings are your very lifeline.
Scenario 1: The 7/11
You've been running for so long... You're out of breath, and you're sweaty in places you didn't even know existed. You're muscles ache, and possibly even feel like delicious, grindy-bony jello.You don't know if you can take it any longer; you need to stop and rest, or else you might collapse. But there's that damn Fresco right behind you, snapping at your heels with it's sharp, decayed teeth!
So what do you do?
Keep on running like yo mamma is chasing you with belt made out of sharp knives? Hell no! You immediately run to the nearest building - in this case, a 7/11.
Quickly, run, run inside!
Are you in? Yes? Good. Now, run to the counter and jump over it to the other side! Great! By jumping over the counter, you've effectively put an obstacle before you and the Fresco, which will be wondering what in hell's name is that damn infernal contraption blocking him from you. Now you, sir, are safe! Not only have you managed to fool the zombie, but you've got free junk food! Huzzah!
Zombie: 0, Victim: 1
Scenario 2: The Library
It's quiet... Perhaps too quiet... But then again, you are in a library so... Er, anyways: It's really damn quiet. You managed earlier to run away from that damn Fresco, despite how fast it is. Maybe you're an Olympic runner, or maybe you outsmarted it, then ran away before your ass became sweet zombie dinner. Either way, you managed to elude the zombie, and ran into the nearest building: the library.
Safe! Goal! Home base! Whatever the fuck ya want to call it; either way you're safe! I mean, it's the library. If humans dread it, it's practically a zombie repellent, right?
*Fun fact: Zombies aren't afraid of libraries.
So, poor you has let your guard down, thinking you were safe, no? Well, no worries! If the Fresco manages to find you, or if you have found a Fresco lurking in between the bookshelves, you can save yourself by simply grabbing hold of the nearest book, opening it up, and using it to hide your face! By doing so, the Fresco will either a) think you've disappeared and go looking for another meal, or b) stare at you for a few minutes, expecting you to come back, then freak out and run away screaming when it realizes that you're not coming back.
Now, aren't you glad that people have no lives, so they can write those boring, heavy novels?
So, what do you do now?
Run the fuck away! Yes! Keep running! GO! (Presumably not in the direction that Fresco went, because that would be defeating the purpose.)
... Or you could stay at the library, where you have some entertainment and easy access to cloaking devices.
Fine. Run then, bitch!
Zombie -1 (yes, they'll be receiving negative points every time they fail epicly), Victim: 2.
Scenario 3: The Tree
You find yourself in the middle of a park. A park, with an open, wide space, except for a few trees and maybe some dead bodies. Usually you'd be freaking out about the bodies, but after nearly getting attacked by numerous zombies more times than you'd like to count, dead bodies are like a sidewalk. You see them everywhere, step on them, and sometimes even trip over them (unquestionably crying and screaming in anger and fear after realizing that that icky dead body just touched you, and you ran out of Germ-X!!!)
Anyways, you're walking quietly, trying not to attract attention to yourself. Even though you're out in the open, maybe you'll be avoided if you're fairly quiet...
But then, right in the middle of the park, you spot a zombie, feasting on a corpse only a few yards away from you! For a moment, you contemplate how hot that body is, in comparison to the ones you've been seeing lately, then you come to your senses.
You want to run away so badly, but realize that running will bring attention to yourself. So, as quietly as you've ever attempted, you turn back around slowly and walk small, baby steps. As you're walking, you're silently laughing, glad for your luck, and you're mad sneaking-past-zombies skillz.
But then, the unthinkable happens: you fart!
Oh no, what have you done?!?!?! Not only has the sound gotten the attention of that damn Fresco, but so has the smell (which the Fresco will find kinky; sadly this won't help you, as it'll give the Fresco more incentive to chase you).
So what do you do?
Cry and pray to God for a bottle of anti-zombie apples and cinnamon body spray to fall out of the sky?
Not a chance!
You run to the nearest tree!! Go, run!!! As fast as your blistered feet can take you!!
BUT WAIT!!! Don't climb that tree, no!! The Fresco will climb up right after you, and either one of you will fall, or get scraped on the arms by the trees!!
So what the fuck do you want me to do?
Quickly, use your mega-muscles to break off a branch! Or, if you've got scrawny arms, use them to break off a smaller branch!
But what if I don't have any arms?
Er... Sucks to be you?
Anyways, don't do anything with that branch just yet! You must wait for the zombie to come within at least ten feet of you! And please, try not to pee your pants while waiting. It usually makes matters more uncomfortable for everyone, even the Fresco. I mean, seriously, who wants to eat a dirty body?
So, just wait until the Fresco is near, then wave the stick around!
Yes, just like that!
Have you got it's attention? Yes? Good! Now, throw the branch as hard as you can, away from you!
The Fresco will become so distracted it'll follow after the branch, and obsess over it for a few minutes before realizing that it's nothing special and that you've disappeared!
We assume that you're going to go back to that library now, huh? We thought so...
Zombie: -2, Victim: 3