Sixteen-year-old Sean stood in the queue, waiting his turn to compete with the saber. He looked up at the bleachers. He had no problem locating his dad; his parents sat in the same place every time. His dad was talking to their flat mate, Gordon. His mom couldn’t make it this time – she had to work. Every year since Sean’s first tournament, his parents gave him a choice. Since the tournament and his birthday were generally only a few days apart, Sean got to pick which event his parents would attend, since it was impossible for them to get both days off from work. Sean thought of a compromise. He really wanted them to watch him compete, so, as a birthday present of sorts, they could take him out for a special dinner afterward.
When Sean, Gordon, and his father returned home that evening, they were greeted by a squad car waiting in front of their apartment building.
“Sorry sir,” the officer said as he met them at their taxi. Sean’s father was a sergeant with the mounted police. The officer looked uncomfortable talking in front of Sean and Gordon.
“Go ahead, officer. We’re family,” said Elias.
“Sorry sir,” the man repeated. He hastily took off his hat and gripped it in his fists. “Sir, you need to come down to the station. It’s your wife, sir. She…she’s dead. You need…”
Sean didn’t hear anything else. The monotone voices of his father and the officer no longer translated into words. He found the hood of the police car and leaned on it, his sword case hitting the pavement with an audible thump.
Gordon wrapped an arm around his shoulders. “Come on, I’ll get you inside.”
~~~~~
Opening paragraphs - Tell me what you think.
11 comments:
Wow, Anna. This is gripping. And you are leaving us all hanging, wondering what will happen next. Good. I'll keep reading.
Ooh thanks Sandy.
Great opener. No wasted space, gets the reader involved immediately. Awesome.
defiantly a good opening it scream more thank you but need more god bless
Thanks guys. It's good to hear such things.
This is an engaging opening. I like how you introduce the dynamic between the parents and Sean, and then shortly after we find out that his mother his dead.
I thought the strongest part was this:
“Sorry sir,” the man repeated. He hastily took off his hat and gripped it in his fists. “Sir, you need to come down to the station. It’s your wife, sir. She…she’s dead. You need…”
It's when the story really grabbed me. It was abrupt. It caught my attention, and I wanted to know what happened.
I'm uncertain about the setting and time period. It sounds modern day, but at the same time there's a sword and a saber. I like fantasy, but I feel like the fantasy element wasn't completely established.
This is a good opening, and can make a great story or novel. :) Have you written any more of it?
Grabs you right away...that is what makes me buy a book...ok...it's like waiting for the next Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings...October is a long way away...gives us all something to look forward to...
Thanks Anna....will be back for more...
Lucky you Anna! Who is your publisher?
Bucks Country Publishing, owned by Bruce Sarte, is my publisher. He's young and ambitious, and I hope to go far.
Hi Anna,
I like the way you began the story...I just hope for their sake that no more tragedy strikes this family. As a writer, my guess is that the circumastances surrounding her death were questionable, and that the mystery begins there. Do I win the prize?
Lou Barba
Sorry Lou, more tragedy does strike this family, temporarily. And the circumstances surrounding this death are out of this world, but Sean is given no time to solve the mystery of his mother's death - no time for anything but to become far more than he ever imagined, and quickly.
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